Half A Year

Hello my dear blog. It's been awhile since I checked up on you. Can't believe it's been that long. So, cut to the chase, where should I begin?

Finally, a university graduate. Three years went by as if it were a mere few days. Time does fly by quite fast. It was a tough journey, but it was worth every effort I put in it.

There were a lot of setbacks in the previous year. It wasn't as pleasant as I hoped it would be. Alas, I made it through and it's taught me tons of valuable lessons and experiences. Many of you know that last year was one of the worst years I've ever had in my life. I was a hopeless wreck, a mess, left heartbroken plenty of times. It was a depressing year for me and I wasn't able to be truly happy. I was negative every time. I couldn't open up to people. I distrusted people. I dislike having the company of other people. I was back to being a loner.

But all that changed when I met the right people who guided me back into the right direction. I understood one thing; once you stop believing in forever alone, that's when happiness starts seeping in. It doesn't happen overnight, but eventually it will. I've gotten over my ex and was ready to move on. I left behind the painful memories and other drawbacks and devastation caused by other people who have come in and left my life. All that doesn't matter anymore. What matters, is now.

I started leaving my sad life behind me some time in Sept 2012. I figured that, the only way to be happy, was to start being positive about everything. So I did. And it's working out pretty good. There's no point in being negative about anything, because I learned that being a pessimist won't benefit me at all. I started smiling more often, started opening up to people and forgot I ever had a sad life.

Joanne came back for Christmas in 2012 and we hung out for the entire week but just as good friends and it all seemed as if nothing ever happened to us. We were starting to get close again and we were beginning to rekindle that jackass friendship we lost due to our history. Past is past, so we focused on the present. She's happy with her boyfriend, I respect that. I've moved on and I'm quite happy with my life. Unfortunately, due to certain circumstances we decided to never contact each other again for it was causing 'inevitable harm' to her current life. It was a mutual understanding, and I've kept my promise till this day.

So YES, I am a changed man. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I'm thankful to the people who guided me back; my parents, my family and my close friends. If it weren't for them, I'd probably still be the sad, self-pitying and miserable good-for-nothing person. Because only I alone can pick myself up and carry on the journey. It's my road to take, my own dangers to face, my own problems to solve, my own rewards to reap.

2013 and the year of the Snake started off really good. Had a good vibe about a lot of things. Minor setbacks such as flu, fever and the horrible pain caused by two of my wisdom teeth, but it didn't bring me down. So far, things are pretty much going uphill for now. I'm expecting the worst, but I'm embracing the joys of life. So, apart from me being more positive and finally opening up to the world again, what else is new?

What happened was something that required me to muster up my courage and to be really positive about things. While everyone had their moment on the 14th, mine was a bit tad late. Three days late to be precise. But it wasn't anything fancy and all. Just something casual at Sunset Bar. Yes, I asked a girl out in case you haven't figured that out. And yes, I do like her a lot. Been awhile since I felt butterflies in my stomach. She has this killer smile and adorable cheeks that you just want to pinch with both hands. Hahaha.

Apart from that, I'm preparing myself here in KK as both a competent audio-engineer and a competent semi-pro performing drummer for my perilous journey in KL. Although it may not be soon or certain, it doesn't hurt to prepare oneself. Besides, I've set my goals. One of it, is to be one of the best drummers in Sabah... for now. Everyone's got to start somewhere. I've also got to take my cajon playing skills much higher, because I'm still not satisfied with my speed, rhythm vocabulary and the amount of ideas for fill-ins. But one thing's for sure, I am on my way. With enough effort, hard-work, perseverance, diligence and discipline, I'm sure I'll make it up there. It's time I make my family truly proud of what I'm doing.

Lately

20th Aug 2012. Man oh man... It's been awhile since I last updated my blog. Well, a lot has happened since then. The single & working life. I've gotten used to it. Apart from all that work & performing, I also had my practicals at RAM Productions under Roger Wang. It was a wonderful experience. Had the opportunity to learn a lot of things regarding studio work (mixing, recording, sequencing,minus one, etc.). Had the privilege of being one of the sound/stage crew for KK Jazz Fest 2012 that was held at the covered tennis court, Marina Court, Sutera Harbour. It...was...AWESOME! Of course, it was awesome being able to perform during the concert as well with Asif, Rene & Reo.

Put aside all that work & performance, there were a lot of ups & downs in my personal life. Was played (again) by this girl I met whom I thought was the next one. But as the French saying goes; c'est la vie. I learnt from it & my guard's been up ever since.y heart's gotten cold & it's hard for me to be happy anymore. I no longer find the joy of having any company from friends & family. But I still have the tendency of trying to keep them happy. Ironic. Able to make people happy but unable to make myself happy. I pray that this is just a test from God. But if my fate is to be alone & to fulfill other people's desires, then so be it.

On another issue, I just completed my internship. Next year, I'll be leaving for KL & probably won't. E returning KK anytime soon. Quite possibly even migrate to Australia. Life as a musician in Malaysia is painstakingly hard. It's almost impossible to make a good name for myself here, plus all the awful memories I have of this place. Although I've met wonderful people like Eman, Jude, Danielson, Gordon, and other friends (I'm sorry but the list goes on because that's how many awesome people I've met), I've decided to leave this place & make a living somewhere else.

First Day of Internship

Goodness! Three years have passed just like that. Time flies pretty fast & it's been ages since I've updated my blogspot. Anyway, it's the first day of my internship here at RAM Productions in Damai & my boss is Roger Wang. One of my classmates is also doing his internship here, but will be under Chris Pereira aka Decipher which is the night shift. I'm sorta excited with all of this & I'm looking forward to working with Roger. It's also exciting that I'll be learning how to work in a recording studio. I've always wanted to learn how to record the professional way. I hope this is my calling.

Anyway, apart from school stuff a lot of other personal things have been going on. Most of it were good. Some were painful experience. A few months ago I broke up with my ex and it was a few weeks after our 2nd anniversary. Looks like things didn't go the way we planned. I'm happy for her though because a few weeks after the break up, she went official with another guy who was after her for a very long time even when we were still together. At least she moved on & had someone to catch her immediately. I am however enjoying the single life again. Honestly, it does feel great in a way! Not that I'm saying things weren't great before, but I dunno. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's because I won't have to deal with drama for now. And it's probably because I have that sense of freedom as well. I wanna focus on work. Maybe after that then I'll start thinking about relationships again.

Apart from all that heartbreaking issue (LoL!), I've made some cool new friends. Alex, Kaykay, Arjun, Tiara, Nadia, Hazel & Joy. Apart from my close friends like Eman & the rest of the Mob family, they too made my life a lot more awesome again. Short lived due to the fact that we'd all be busy with our own things again & some complications, but it was all worth it & thanks so much guys for being there =). I know there's been a lot of downs lately and 2011 was probably the worst year I've ever had so far, but I believe this year's gonna be better & that there's always a blessing in disguise.

I think that's all I can write about for now so, more updates soon! Sooner than you think ;)

P.S Tiara, if you're reading this, wear glasses more often.

May 12 2009

It's been more than a month since I last posted a blog, so I definitely am gonna compose a long one. So ready your coffee 'cause this is gonna take A LOT of your time....haha. I'm just kidding. It won't take too long though, but that's for you to judge. Of course, you don't necessarily have to ready your coffee...unless you want to.

First of, the reasons why I'm blogging now is because I can't log into WoW due to terrible Internet connection, WoW is now undergoing maintenance & I've got nothing else to do. And so, I might as well update my blog.

Sitting in a dark cold room, listening to Killswitch Engage, drinking Coke and wondering what the hell should I blog about first. Scratching my head & feeling the pain from my finger, remembering that I had a cut on my middle finger from playing the cajon for too long until the skin dried up, cracked and ended up as a cut. It's not fully healed yet, but it sure still stings if I stretch my finger too much. Apart from that my right palm's swollen and apparently thicker than my left. All of this is from playing the cajon. If you don't know what a cajon is, a cajon (pronounced ka-hon) is a Latin percussion instrument, which can produce the same sound as a high pitch snare drum, and a bass drum. It's made out of wood (type of wood varies with different companies that manufacture cajons) and it's shaped like a box.

On May 9th 2009, my band, Quadro Forte from SIA, had our first showcase at Sedco Square (I hope I got that one right). And it was a BLAST! A successful performance once again. Although I injured my hands in the process and go through a few stressful moments, I would have to say that it was all worth it. Even though I didn't get to go to KL & perform for the band Sasuka as their session drummer, I have no regrets & I'm glad I got to perform with my friends & have a good time. Gigs in KL can wait. I remember an advice a friend of mine told me once. He said " Local fans first."

I'm quite frustrated with my home internet connection nowadays. Last time, I was able to play WoW with some minor lags and I don't mind. Usually it'll just go up to about 900 ms. But nowadays, it shoots up to 15K and I don't know what the hell is going on and why. But I guess I'll just have to wait until the line here gets better, which might be forever. Bloody hell. Anyway, apart from all that cursing, I've made friends with some nice Filipino chaps from WoW. Thanks to Richard though for helping me out with instances & introducing me to them. Had it not been for them, I doubt I'd be having the gears that I have today. WoW (World of Warcraft, if you didn't know) is undoubtedly an expensive game to play, because you have to pay to keep on playing. For me, I have to pay 110 ringgit for every two months, but I can say it's worth it.

It's been a while since I actually practiced playing the drums. And with that, my rudiments, sticking coordination & timing are a bit off. My right leg's feeling a bit rusty too due to the lack of practice and fencing training. Why fencing training? Well, the training strengthens my legs and it helps me play the bass drum at a fast tempo and last for a long time. The training also helped me with the "swivel" and "heel-toe" technique. But as a seasoned and experienced drummer, I'm sure practicing and going for training again will help fix my problems.

I was suppose to update this post but I'm too lazy. However I will be posting a new one some time soon....or maybe later.

March 26, 2009

I just got back home from band practice with Eman, Jude, Nev, Les & Juliet. We had practice at Moe's Music Studio. They renovated the place and it's better than last time. Frankly saying, it was like a shit hole back then. Unfortunately though, the instruments are still sort of crappy, but still within the tolerable range.

Eman & I were thinking of changing the name of our band, because the name Empty Paper sounds like broken English. If we named it Blank Paper, it just sounds weird. And we joked around like naming the band Bosou, or Manuk, or Pantat Manuk, Tuhau, Lihing, Lakai-lakai, hideh-hideh, etc.. It was kinda funny and fun, and I came up with all the stupid names like We The Queens, or like er...I forgot. But what ever.


I now understand why, and I'll be taking it absolutely slow, and I'll wait for as long as it takes.
I mentioned briefly of what's going on with me & her to my dad when we were having late lunch at Karamunsing yesterday evening. Apparently it's normal to have mothers to be very protective of their daughters and be such a tigress. I'm hated by her, and she assumes that I'm a typical kampung-ish Dusun guy who's a good for nothing drunkard who's not doing anything productive in life, when here I am, actually studying music and thinking of my future of what to do next, about my next move, what I should do as a musician, etc..

I found out she came back almost a week ago, and I didn't know it through her. I knew it through someone else. I wondered why she didn't tell me at all that she was coming back when she could have while she was still in Singapore. She explained why when I found her in Palm Square the day I found out she came back already. I'm still not sure if I should believe her or not. Because everything she said seems very, fishy. But I just tolerated it. I nearly blew up that time and just ended our 'friendship' there on the spot, but no, as usual I just kept quiet about it and just let it be.

So the next day, I brought her present from the house to Warisan, have it wrapped & stuff. I tried calling her up because she said her phone's with her the previous day. But I kept on trying, and trying, but no answer. So I sent a few messages to that number asking why & what's wrong & stuff. Still no reply. It was not until 3 plus did I get a message from her mentioning about stuff & that we can't meet up. Before you jump to conclusions, no, it's not entirely her fault. But it just a bit fishy. But what ever, I tried looking at it at a different perspective, and just, let it go.

Now, I'm still thinking of my next move, and wonder if that next move will be for the best, or for the worst.

I know you all are thinking "Ah Kevin, being emo again la what the hell. Go die la you faggot."
Well hey, this is my way of coping with some of the things that I need getting off my chest ok. If you can't understand that, then you're definitely not a good friend and I regret knowing you.

I'm not sulking in a corner and crying all by myself and pitying myself for getting myself into this shit hole. I'm doing something about it and I'm working my fucking ass off to try and get over it and ignore it and letting it go. And I'll be fine. I just need some time to figure things out. That's all.

Cheers.

15th March 2009

Ok, firstly, the fencing competition finals result. I got second place, which was actually more than what I had expected because of my absence from fencing training almost a year due to studies & work. I lost to one of my juniors though. He got much better due to his consistency in training and his experience when they all went for SUKMA last year and China for something that I forgot. *sigh* I missed out a lot. But never mind. This year, I'm going to concentrate a lot more in sports and try to still be able to do what I do best; music.

So now that's done, the next thing I've gotta concentrate on is my next gig with Quadro Forte at Hyatt. Can't wait to perform with my mates again =D . Well, that's all for now, and I'll update you people regarding the gig when it's done.

Till then, CHEERS!

What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do